Why Is Dating So Complicated?

Whenever my son spends time at his dad's home, I take the opportunity to go on a few dates to fill in the space during my free time. 

Over the past few years, I have gone on less and less dates because either my time is filled with juggling my different jobs, working out, enjoying time to myself or spending  more time with my loved ones.

Sometimes I ask myself these two fundamental questions: 1) Do I even want to have a boyfriend? and 2)  Do I even have time for a boyfriend?

Recently, a male friend of mine joked that we couldn't be in a relationship because I was already married to my "CrossFit cult".

Looking back, the last time I did have a boyfriend, which was many years ago, I was always having to choose between spending time with him or finding time for the activities that bring me happiness.

Although, I wanted to invest time in our relationship, I felt like I was cheating myself of doing the these that I love most.

He wanted me to be his whole world, but my world was already very full. At the time, living my life fully outweighed any benefits of having a boyfriend would have.

Our relationship ended for other serious reasons and we were not compatible, but I gained many valuable lessons from that experience- I was better off being happily on my own than coupled with someone who wasn't the right fit for my life.

I haven't found a boyfriend since because I am in no hurry to be in another relationship. 

Honestly, I am not sure where I would find the time between full time teaching, my part time jobs, being a single mom, CrossFit, writing, spending time with friends, traveling and just living a very life.

Let's be honest, relationships involve a great deal or time and energy, if you want to build a strong foundation. While I respect that, I am not sure I am willing to compromise what I have now for the unknown.

It may sound selfish, but I don't look it that way. I know myself very well and I stand firm on what I want in my life.

I am OPEN to romantic love, but I it is not a high priority in my life.

If I meet a fun, nice guy to spend time with, then I am all for it. But, I am not chasing after it like I did in my past.

Seven plus years of singleness has provided me the opportunity to work on the relationship I have with myself. It took me almost forty years to understand that I am a whole person and  not just half searching for it's counterpart.

Honestly, I know the day to day reality of relationships and marriages and I am not sure if that is something I actually want in my life... for now.

When friends share their relationship headaches, I am secretly thankful I don't ever have to deal with the drama and heartaches they experience.

Granted, many relationships are wonderful, but let's be honest, Facebook relationships filter out what no one really wants to see, like cheating, lying, conflicts, fights, etc.

When I date now, it's for fun and my chance to connect with new people, that may develop into something more.

No longer do I need a label of a boyfriend, fiance or husband. I am not in this frenzied rush to find "the One" because I don't believe in the notion that you only have one soul mate. I like that there are endless possibilities still waiting for me out there.

I have slowed down over the years, leaving behind my serial dating days. Quality of my dates over quantity is more important to me now. 

Dating hasn't been a priority, but occasionally I get curious to see who is out there, so I dip my feet in the dating pool. 

Last month, I went on a second date with a fella I went out with last year. My gut instinct told me it wasn't a connection.

Despite him being a complete gentleman and a genuinely nice person, we were not compatible in many ways. He was searching for a wife and wanted to have children. I wanted neither of those.

However, when he asked me out again, I figured I would go because he was one of the "good guys". I felt bad because the last time we went on a date, we had a great time, but I knew we wanted different things in life.

He wanted to settle down, I just wanted to spread my wings and not feel tied down.

The truth of the matter is, I don't have any desire to remarry or have any more children. I am in a very good place in my life right now.

Would I like to be in love? Of course, who wouldn't want to share those wonderful feelings with someone special, but I don't need marriage to experience this again.

It's been a challenge trying to find balance in my love life. Neither wanting to get married nor wanting casual relationships that leave you feeling empty. Is there a comfortable middle ground and will I ever find a partner who will understand and respect where I am coming from?

Over our date, we spoke very openly about what we are looking for. Not only was I completely transparent, I reassured him that he would find a wonderful woman who wanted to live with him in Alaska, share his enthusiasm for hunting and build a family together.

I am not that woman.

He admitted that he respected that I was honest and was so grown up about it. We ended the date throwing back beers, smashing into some buffalo wings and asking each other why was dating so complicated?

Why do you meet a really great guy, but have zero chemistry?

Why do you have crazy chemistry with terrible matches?

Why do we have to wait so long to find love?

Why can't it be simple?

Maybe it is true that you cannot hurry love and you simply just have to wait...

What was the hardest part of dating for you?


Sweet Cicily

Would You Ever Try Speed Dating?

Recently, one of my colleagues, a close friend and one of my favorite North Shore ladies, Amanda, had asked me if I would be interested joining her for a speed dating event in Honolulu's China Town. 

At the event, speed daters are promised ten dates in the the span of three hours and to top it all off, they would be providing us with free drinks and pizza. 

Heck, yeah, count me in!

Lately, I have been turning down dates, guys have been on the back burner, but I NEVER turn down pizza. Especially the pizza served at Bar 35 - it is so darn good. Next time I go there, if anyone offers to buy me drink, I will ask if they can buy me a pizza slice instead. 

Anyways, who turns down pizza? Not this little lady. Plus, who doesn't like having fun with your girlfriends. 

Over the past year, we have shared our adventures in dating with each other and solidified our single sisterhood bond. Whether we were commiserating over the difficulties of dating on a small island or attempting to top each other's really bad date stories, we understood one another's struggles to find love in paradise. 

After trying everything from multiple dating websites (i.e. Match, OKCupid, eHarmony, etc.)  to dating applications like Tinder, we were both open to meeting new people offline at a speed dating event with other singles. 

At minimum, we could have fun getting dressed up, meet 10 new men, have a cocktail, checked it off our bucket lists and hang out with a great girlfriend. 

So, on a quiet Thursday night, we met up in China Town at Bar 35 for a HI Speed speed dating event. 

Although, I didn't meet the love or my life or even feel a connection with any of the nine men who attended the speed dating event, I had a fun meeting new people. 

At this point in the game, I no longer get nervous going on dates, as I have gone on a few hundred first dates or at least that is what it feels like. Talking to strangers doesn't make me nervous and I don't put any pressure on myself when going out on dates. 

Zero expectations,  just enjoy the moment and get to know a new person better. Either I make a love connection, new friend or have a really great bad date story. 

When we arrived at Bar 35, we were greeted by the speed dating hosts and provided with a name tag to wear, two drink tickets (woot woot ) and a buffet of pizza at the bar. 

Looking around the room, no one had really caught my eye... except for the pizza. 

Where were the cute guys?!?! There's always pepperoni pizza I guess. 

Immediately, I knew no one was my type and I didn't feel any physical attraction to anyone. I know what I like, so sue me. 

Just go have fun. 

After a long day at work, starving to death, I smashed my face in pizza and prepared myself for my nine dates. 

All I could picture was the speeding dating scene disaster in the 40 Year Old Virgin and prayed I hadn't already dated any of my prospects. 

Before we were sent on our mini dates, each woman was assigned to a table for the evening, as the men would be rotating between throughout the night. 

Every 10 minutes, I had the opportunity to go on a "date" with a different man aaaaaaaaaannnnnndddd it was interesting to say the least. 

Fortunately, I was able to take notes during each date, because it's kind of a whirlwind of an experience and it's hard to remember everything. If you ever decided to try speed dating, take my advice and create hashtags for your dates in the notes (i.e. #armyhottie #nicesmiledentist, etc.) 

Honestly, it can be really difficult to get to know someone in 10 minutes.  Aside from what do you do for a living, what do you do for fun and all the other stand boring first date questions, you don't have that much time. 

Jotting a few key words describing each person would hopefully jog my memory for when it was time to choose my matches. 

Date 1 - Nice Asian professional man who traveled to New Zealand, loves to surf and was a self proclaimed "band nerd". Wasn't feeling it, but marked him as a YES, because I figured I should at least mark one person as a match. #bandnerd

Date 2-  A very, very, very short Asian man who teaches night school at the school I teach at. Not a match. #nightschool

Date 3 - Enthusiastic, young Navy guy who loves Japanese techno music, loves going to the clubs, saying "f*ck yeah" a lot...in ten minutes.  Definitely not a match. #f*ckyeah

Date 4 - The most serious architect and devout Catholic who didn't crack a smile. Silver lining. He has a job and doesn't live in a VW van. I was so bored and it was not a match. #jesusiswatchingyou

Date 5 -  NYC Bronx guy who still lives with his parents and loves working out at 24 Fitness. Laughed at me for CrossFitting. It's a Match! Just kidding.  #24hourfitnessdude

Date 6 - I don't remember anything much about this guy except he kept talking about meeting Garth Brooks, was wearing this velvet button up shirt and was blurting out "YOLO" every few minutes. I am pretty sure he was drunk by the time he got to my table. Wait. I know he was drunk because he told me he was "f*cking wasted" and hated his "crackhead dad". No match. #YOLO

Date 7 - Very quiet surfer who serves as a youth pastor and had really cool tattoo sleeves. Was raised by a single mom, but felt like pulling teeth trying to have a conversation. No match. #tattoosmcgee

Date 8 - Insurance salesman who loves to play golf all the time and partying in Vegas. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be shorter than me, but I found him. ZZZZZ... no match. Where's the pizza? #geico

Date 9 - The weirdest doctor in the universe who I am pretty sure is a serial killer on the weekends. Ever get that vibe off someone? Nope. Nope. Can I go home yet? #shiftyeyes

Thank God it was finally over. 

Afterwards, as I was exiting the bar with my girlfriend, one of the fellas ran after me wondering why I was leaving so early. 

Somehow, he convinced me to stay for a drink, but I only agreed if he bought my girlfriend a drink too. 

He kept pressing me if I had chosen him as a match and could he get my phone number, which was incredibly uncomfortable. 

I downed my pineapple juice, said goodbye to the Asian Insurance guy and we headed over to an Irish bar in China Town to debrief our speed dating experience and check out this great musician playing at O'Tooles that evening. 

Honestly, besides the plethora of pizza, hanging out with my girlfriend at the Irish bar was my favorite part of the meeting. Just the two of us listening to great music at a great bar and laughing about our interesting night speed dating. 

Would I ever try speed dating again? Probably not. It wasn't for me. That's not to say it might not work out for you. 

Whatever you do, never say never and be open to trying out new things. You never know who you will meet or what experiences you might miss out on. 

Looking back, I'd rather just go out and meet people organically going to the places I already frequent or doing the activities I already love. Perhaps, it might be easier to find someone I share commonalities or some of the same interests. 

At this point in my life, if I meet someone great, then that is absolutely fantastic. But, if I don't my fabulous and full life still moves on. 

Would you ever try speed dating?


Sweet Cicily

I Can Do This

Could the end of the school year just hurry up and get here? Two more weeks of classes remain and another year of teaching in the books. 

I am so over teaching.  

I am officially burnt out from crippling paperwork, demands coming from every direction, testing, legal mandates, case managing over a dozen students with intensive services, transition planning, coordinating meetings, data reports and the list goes on and on. 

Don't forget, I still have to teach. 

And, if you have ever walked into my classroom, I actually TEACH my students lessons. Isn't it sad, when teachers struggle to find the time to teach, because the paperwork has to get done or else you will face lawsuits. 

Reaching my tipping point at the end of last week, I found myself sitting alone in my classroom, balling my eyes out. 

It has been over thirteen years since I first entered the field of special education and in that quiet I began to consider finding a new profession. 

Several of my friends, who were former teachers, left the profession and are now making six figures salaries. Yet, I am NOW making exactly the same amount of money I WAS making as a brand new teacher in Texas over thirteen years ago. 

NOW, in order for me to afford to live in Hawaii on my teaching salary, as a single parent, I have two other jobs to make ends meet. That's seriously f*cked up and I am not the only teacher in this position. 

Many of us have second and sometimes third jobs; despite being highly qualified and holding Masters or Post Doctorate degrees. 

Fortunately, I receive child support and my son's father provides for his educational and medical needs. It helps, but still I live paycheck to paycheck in paradise. 

Over the past few months, Hawaii has been heavily recruiting on social media for people to come to Hawaii and teach for $50,000, because we have such a high turn over rate. 

Not everyone can afford the price to teach in Hawaii. 

Not only are we under appreciated and underpaid, but we are grossly overworked and expected to perform miracles with limited resources. 

Without a doubt, my students are the only reason why I am still here. I care about their futures. I love them as my own. 

At the end of the day, I know I am doing what is right for them and that I am doing my very best. 

Anyways, it's been a tough few weeks and I haven't been myself, with all the pressure and stress from work. 

Usually, I leave everything at work, but I actually had to take work home this weekend, despite being sick all weekend. 

I hate being anxious, cranky, negative, stressed and putting my life on the back burner because of work. 

It is having a trickle down effect on the rest of my life and I am putting an end to it. I cannot control anyone else or situations, but I can control how I react to all of this. 

I need happy Cicily who laughs, smiles, sings and dances in her classroom. I miss her. 

Not only is it making me physically sick (my immune system sucks right now), but it has been interfering with the parts of my life that I most enjoy,  such as being able to CrossFit, writing my stories on the blog, getting a restful night's sleep, having an appetite ( I haven't been eating clean) because I am stressed the $%#@! out  and spending time with my loved ones.

Just two more weeks. I can do this. 

I am going to set my intentions to be positive when others are negative, be patient with myself when it comes to all the paperwork and remember to take care of myself so that I can give myself fully to others. 

I hope everyone has a really good week ahead. 


Don't Date a Douche

It has been a few weeks since I have had a the chance to sit down and write an actual blog post. As always, life gets in the way and writing takes a back burner to my ever hectic life. 

But, I promise you that I have lots of fun stories to share with all about my adventures over the last month. 

Once in a blue moon, when my son is away at his dad's house, I reactivate my Tinder account. Either it's out of curiosity, boredom or a genuine  desire to meet someone new. 

I know. I know. I know. I have sworn off online dating like a thousand times over the last seven years. 

Didn't I learn my lesson? 

Mr. Right isn't on Tinder. Maybe a bunch of F*ck Boys, but I have yet to meet anyone with true relationship potential on this smart phone dating application. 

Despite trying every other way to meet men (i.e. mixers, church, speed dating, "serious" online dating websites, friends, Meet Ups, gym, etc.) I haven't found the one the is right for me. 

Everyone else is on Tinder, might as well take a peruse. Maybe someone new moved to the island and we haven't gone on a date yet. 

As all my girlfriends joke, "Military PCS season is fast approaching, which means a whole new dating pool of men."

Sometimes I wonder if HE is still out there and hasn't even made his way to Hawaii yet. Hell, maybe he is already here and already in my life, but the timing isn't right. Who knows?!

In the meantime, I will have fun dating my Mr. In The Mean Time Men, as my girlfriend wisely advised me. 

After my last Tinder experience with my cheating, lying, married sociopath date, I have been hesitant to dive into the dating pool again. 

I literally dated a crazy person that all the online dating naysayers warn you about. 

Sadly, there have been a few. Where are the normal men in Hawaii?

Anyways, I went on a date this weekend, after a Tinder match offered to take me to spend the day at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Keep in mind, it takes over an hour to drive to almost the North Shore of the island of Oahu. 

Why not? I've never actually explored this popular tourist spot, so here was a perfect opportunity to learn about Polynesian culture with a really cute, educated, successful and "nice guy" for a few hours. 

Before the date, he called me the night before to make plans. Already he was earning brownie points. I love it when a man picks up the phone and takes initiative to plan a date. 

This was going to be fun. 

Even if it was just to meet someone new...I was putting myself out there. 

When I arrived to the Polynesian Cultural Center, my date asked me which package we should get, which I opted for the least expensive, considering first dates should be shorter and I wouldn't expect my date to spend a fortune. 

As we were ordering our tickets, in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice, thiisssssss mother $#%&cker asked me if I had cash to pay for my own ticket. 

Come again? Que???

Didn't he, the night before, ask to take me out on a date? 

Like a gentleman, he took out his fancy credit card and proceeded to ask me if I had $20 in cash and he would charge it on the card. 

"You can be my ATM today!" He laughed. 

ATM. ATM. All I could think was. ATM. WTF. 

When the ticket counter lady asked if he wanted to add $15 for lunch and an extra hour, he was like, "No. I am not hungry."

Didn't even ask if I was hungry at NOON. So, I starved for two long hours, with just one piece of coconut bread the land of Tahiti people made during the various shows. 

Dammit. I did it again. I was out with a total cheapskate! 

Before anyone feels sorry for him, know that he is a high ranking officer in the military and runs his own non profit. 

Twenty dollars wasn't going to kill him, but that is a gas money for a week for me. Well, add more since I drove myself all the way to the damn North Shore to go out on a date with him. 

I ONLY do that for my friends who are visiting as tourists.  

This officer was not a gentleman. He was a douche. 

It gets even better. 

You know when you first enter a theme park and you are asked to take pictures with Mickey Mouse or whoever at the entrance, well we were directed to stand together to take pictures with a hulu girls. 

He actually refused to take a picture with me. Even all the staff members, hulu girls and photographer said, "Why don't you want to take a picture with her?!"

So I stood there BY MYSELF. 

My date didn't even want to stand next to me. I swore I wore deodorant ... unlike HIM... 

Again, this gets better. 

Basically, I think I was invited so he would have a personal photographer there for the day, because that is all he would ask me to do. 

Now it was his turn to be photographed with the hulu girl and hulu guy, but he shoved his iPhone in my hand and asked me to take pictures. 

"I don't want to pay for pictures," he exclaimed!

Well, at least it wasn't just me he was being cheap with, he was cheap with EVERYONE. He was also rude to EVERYONE else too. 

While presenters were chanting beautiful Hawaiian melodies and dancing ancient Hawaiian hulu, again, in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice, that mother $%&*er was texting on his damn iPhone in the damn front row. 

I was mortified!

Even the coconut bread guy was giving my date the side eye. 

Never in the history of my dating have I ever wanted to ditch someone so bad. In hindsight, I should have just dug out and drove further north to the Kahuku shrimp trucks. 

Ah. But, I am not an assh*le, so I sucked it up and made the choice to have my own fun. And, so I did. 

Not only did I get to check off a bucket list item, I learned a little Polynesian history, met some cool visiting tourists and even met a woman who worked there also named Cecily. 

He asked to go out again and I said, "No." 

This ATM is out of service. 

So, ladies and gentleman, don't date a douche. You deserve to go with someone who is generous, considerate, polite and treats you with respect. 

Keep calm and Tinder on....


Sweet Cicily

I Am Sure Coconut Bread Guy Would Be a Better Date

Look. It's Cecily. She was so much more f*cking cool than my date. 

I Am Infertile

 I am overjoyed to share with all my readers today a story written by a close personal friend and guest writer on the blog today. 

Michelle and I met at CrossFit in Kailua over a year ago. Over the course of 12 months, our friendship has grown strong, as we have had the chance to know each other better and share our lives together. 

When we first started talking, I will never forget a conversation we shared in a direct message over social media. Michelle had started following my blog, which compelled to share her own private challenges and pain in life. 

I love how sharing my journey has encouraged other's to share theirs with me. 

What she shared with me over a year ago, she is now sharing with all my wonderful readers today. 

I am so very grateful to have a woman like Michelle in my life. She is truly one of my best friends and I love her with all my heart. 

Know you are not alone and we are all here for each other during life's ups and downs. 

Meet my wonderful friend Michelle... 

Today is a day just like any in a parents life. My sweet little 20-month-old son has a cold and isn’t sleeping well. My husband had to go to work early, so my only chance at getting a workout in was getting up at 4:30 am to go to a 5 am CrossFit class. 

My son is at that funny age where he is learning soooo much so quickly. He knows that if he says, “Help” that I will come to him and wipe his nose when it is running or get that last piece of egg on his fork. Even when he is throwing a fit and crying because he can’t sleep, I try and remember I am lucky to live in a time where science has made it possible for us to have him. 

I am infertile. 

I don’t say this to get attention, or to make people feel awkward. I don’t have any ill will towards people who don’t have fertility issues, but I do want people to #StartAsking. One in eight people nationwide deal with some sort of infertility issue, making me far from unique. 

I read something today that really spoke to me: “being a mom now doesn’t change the fact that I still am, and forever will be infertile, and the pain of that truth will never go away.”  I have learned how to deal with the pain that comes from being infertile and for me the biggest help has been actually talking about it freely. 

So many people feel that it is such a taboo and personal subject that they keep everything bottled up inside, never realizing just how much they have in common with so many around them. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (Resolve.org/niaw) and with that in mind I will tell you my infertility story.

My husband and I always knew we wanted to have children together. Once we started actively trying, the type A person in me was plotting basal body temperatures and making sure we had sex at all the right times. My actions quickly paid off and we got pregnant on our first real try!! 

I was over the moon but all of that changed at the 8-week appointment with my OB/GYN. The Physicians Assistant tried to hear the baby’s heartbeat and could not. She told me not to worry, because that early on it was not uncommon. Just to be sure, my sweet husband jumped through hoops to get us in for an ultrasound that day. I think he was just as excited and nervous as I was, so we went straight from the OB/GYNs office to the imaging clinic to get the ultrasound. 

After lying there with that cold gel on my tummy and not being shown anything for about 10 minutes I was starting to get a little more concerned. Then the ultrasound tech said she needed to talk with the doctor, which made me even more worried. 

After a few minutes the doctor came in and told me I had an ectopic pregnancy and needed to go directly to the emergency room to get it taken care of. Ouch! That was a sucker punch, happily pregnant to unhappily not pregnant in a few hours. Shortly after that I was given the two shots of lovely neon green medication meant to stop the growth of the embryo and keep my fallopian tubes intact. 

I went home with some Vicodin for the pain and a sad heart. 

In my typical fashion I looked for as many positive things as possible. If the treatment worked the way it normally did there would be no issues conceiving in the future, though I would have a higher likelihood of another ectopic pregnancy on that particular side. Bottom line, I could still have children, and this was just a natural issue with that little embryo deciding to make a pit stop in my tubes instead of my uterus. 

I only took the Vicodin during the first 24 hours and even then it was only half a dose. I wasn’t physically hurting any more so I thought I was healing inside, which was good. Ten days later I was going to the farmers market with my husband and it hit me. All of the sudden I had some mild pain in my abdomen and over the course of the 30 minutes it took us to get home I was in excruciating pain. I took a Vicodin as soon as I got into the house…. nothing. I took a second (the maximum allowed dosage)….  still nothing. I couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, I had pain radiating into my shoulders. Tom finally looked at me and said we needed to go to the hospital, I knew my fallopian tube had ruptured.  

As soon as we got there and told them what was going on they gave me some real pain meds that helped immensely. After hours of getting bumped for more emergent cases I was wheeled into the operating room for what was supposed to be a 20-30 minute procedure. After an hour the doctor came out and asked my husband to make a very hard decision. After removing the fallopian tube that had in fact ruptured she examined the other tube and found it to be deformed. 

The doctor speculated about a number of possible reasons, from potentially an earlier unnoticed ectopic pregnancy to just a simple birth defect, but none of that changed the fact that I was virtually guaranteed to have another ectopic pregnancy if left alone. She commented that my ovaries and uterus looked extremely healthy and recommended a preemptive removal of the second tube, noting that I would be an outstanding candidate for eventual In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Tom agreed and made the decision to remove the second tube as well. 

In a two-week period I went from being happily pregnant, to not being able to ever naturally conceive children. 

I was heartbroken. 

It took me months to not cry every time I found out someone was pregnant, let alone any time I had one too many drinks. I was devastated when a family member said, “You know you should start trying to have children, you aren’t getting any younger.” I just wanted to shout at them, “I wish it was that F-ing easy!!!”

When we finally began all the testing necessary to start IVF, we found out that even little things can make an IVF cycle harder. My thyroid was apparently now not functioning properly, meaning we had to wait months to find the proper dosage to bring my thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH) into the proper range. Ultimately, it was an entire year after my surgery before we started our first cycle. Every single day was hard, mentally and physically. Multiple shots administered every day, which my husband dutifully gave to me, even when I would break down in tears petrified of the needles. He reminded me over and over again what we both wanted out of this and helped me see past my fears. He was my rock through all of this and as a result we had an amazing 18 eggs extracted from my ovaries, 16 of those fertilized and six embryos made it to day five.  Finally, on Thanksgiving morning, I had one of those embryos placed in my uterus. Injections continued nightly for three months but after that I had a completely normal pregnancy that resulted in my son Paul, who is now an adorable, sweet natured, happy little toddler.

The biggest thing I have learned through this whole process was how common infertility and ectopic pregnancies actually are. 

I now know many people who have gone through experiences similar to my own but I had no idea until I had to deal with infertility myself. I was very lucky that I got pregnant on my first round of IVF, and there are many who are not so lucky. They try round after round of intra-uterine insemination (IUI), IVF, Frozen embryo transfer (FET), some even use donor eggs or sperm, all in the hopes of having a family.  

If all of this sounds complicated then know that is one of the many reasons I talk so freely about my own journey.  

Lately I have been wondering if I want to have another child. Weighing all the pros and cons of Paul having a sibling. A lot of the negatives come from knowing I will again need at least 3 months worth of daily injections, knowing I will need another cesarean section, and frankly the amount of money it will cost again. The military doesn’t cover treatments unless the infertility is a result of a military related injury. 

Who knows what the future may bring but right now I am very happy with my little family…

If you want to know about infertility and what you can do please visit resolve.org, they have a lot of great information and resources that will allow you to #StartAsking.

Whatever Happened To Your First Love?

Do you ever wonder what ever happened to your first love?

Where did life take them? What are doing now? Are you still friends or just strangers who shared a past? 

You see there has always been a man who has always held a special place in my heart since I was fifteen years old and we still talk to each other to this very day. 

He was the cute cowboy in my junior high school history class that I had a huge crush on for years, but I never mustered the courage to tell him.

I was his secret admirer, but little did I know he felt the same way too all these years...until he confessed this to me over five years ago in a text message.  

"I've always been in love with you..." 

Despite these feelings, we lived worlds apart and lived different lives, that took us into different directions.

Plus, I kinda blew it off as nostalgia and realized he was in love with the idea of me. 

We hadn't seen in each other in over twenty years and he really doesn't know the real me.

No matter where life has taken me over the last two decades, from college in Boston to thousands of miles away in Hawaii, he finds his way back into my life.

Whether through a handwritten letter in my college mailbox or an unexpected phone call... he enters back into my life.

Just a few months ago, it occurred to me that I heard from my first love in almost two years, which wasn't like him to not reach out to me. 

I knew his military life would take him to foreign lands and his private nature avoided social media. 

He's a very hard person to track down...his digital footprint is almost impossible to find. It's a given when being in special forces.

He is a man that thrives on living off the grid. 

Last time I saw him was before college when he ran off to Arizona on a Harley... 

We only had held hands... but he was the one I never forgot.

Maybe he was the one who got away. 

But, he'd write me in college... but soon disappear for a few more years.

Then from sailing on a boat in the Florida Keys he confessed his feelings for me. Wishing I hadn't had a boyfriend at the time so he could sail to Hawaii.

He'd disappear again when sent on another military mission somewhere top secret.

He fluttered in out of my life like a beautiful butterfly; never to be captured and only to be admired. 

Eventually, I was certain I would hear from him again, but it never happened.

I actually began to worry. 

I knew he deployed a lot as special forces. I remember a conversation we shared about him headed to Africa. Did something happen to him?

A few months ago, I searched the entire internet, I searched for him again, but didn't find his whereabouts.

I worried he may have died... because sometimes that happens in his line of work.

A part of me was sad and wished I told him how I felt. 

Anyways, time passed and I just happened to switch over to a new iPhone, which his contact was listed in my phone.

Two initials. Omg! It's him!

I debated to send a text, but I sent a simple message sending aloha from Hawaii.

I didn't hear back from months. Maybe I was right? Maybe my first love was gone forever?

Ahhh... But late one night last month, I text popped up on my screen.

His initials popped up. He was alive and he was reaching out to me.

After we spent the next hour talking, I had learned that he had spent the last year deployed in Africa. 

When he returned to US soil, he saw my text message and responded back to me immediately. 

We talk on the phone and it's always wonderful to hear his voice... but I know that's all that it will ever be with my first love.

I live in reality, not fantasy.

He's the type to run off to Belize as an ex patriot... not the type to settle down. 

Sharing occasional walks down memory lane of two country kids with secret crushes and our day to day lives now. 

We are so very different, but I'm glad I'm lucky to still be able to share a friendship with my first love. 

I'll never forget the boy with the bluest eyes, sweetest smile and gyspy spirit that stole my young heart...

What ever happened to your first love?

Surround Yourself With Positive People

The key to happiness is surrounding yourself with positive people.

It's as simple as that.

No amount of money or success will ever compare to the profound effect of surrounding yourself with positive people in your life.

Just look at all these Real Housewives reality shows. Everyone them is filthy rich, but most of them are bitchy and miserable.

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

Maybe it's time to start reevaluating who you associate with at home, work, etc. 

Again, money doesn't buy you happiness; I've had money before and was deeply unhappy for many years.

It took me losing everything to gain the most important lesson of all...

My bank account reflects me just making it by every month in expensive paradise, but I've never been this happy in all my life.

Over the last seven years, I've reached the realization that I had much rather fill my life with wonderful people than placing value on material things.

Once I adopted this mindset, I began to truly appreciate all the amazing relationships I was focusing my energy and time on.

Life isn't just about working and paying bills.

My God.. how depressing would that be if that was our sole purpose on this Earth?

We are here to connect with one another; in turn we have multiple opportunity to grow and learn from our relationships.

Because life is so busy and so very short, it's critical you choose who you surround yourself with very wisely.

Be picky!

You're picky with your food or your clothes... why not with the people you surround yourself with.

That has a more powerful impact, so choose wisely.

Stop wasting time on continuously negative people. 

Being selective with your circle will dramatically change your life for the better.

Sadly, they are emotional vampires and you need to guard your heart and mind, otherwise they'll suck the joy right out of your life. 

As I'm getting older and hopefully wiser, I've been 86ing (restaurant speak) anything and anyone who does not serve my soul.

A guy doesn't call back or even make an effort texting... adios amigo... 

I hate doing something... I stop feeling guilty about people pleasing ... sayonara whatever is that's not bringing me joy anymore.

Negative gossipers who have nothing positive to say... have a nice life.

Fake friends... Ain't got time for that.

It's so liberating to free yourself from negative energy and embrace others who are like minded.

Just this past weekend, I surrounded myself with so many incredibly positive people in my life and most so happen to be all from my CrossFit box in Kailua.

It's one of the few places in my life where it is solely positive; from experiences to people.

I love my career, but it isn't free of negativity and I've been distancing myself from any negativity. 

No wonder why I am already ready to run out the door to CrossFit; it's my refuge of support and unconditional positivity.

Whether we are working out or just hanging out, I fucking love those people because I feel uplifted when I'm in their presence.

There's no cattiness or negative nonsense; it's just pure happiness and love for me.

I'm happy because I surround myself with happy people.

It's your turn now...