"Let me love you."
After almost seven long years, I have finally decided to starting dealing with my sh*t. Carrying almost a decade's worth of emotional baggage has gotten too heavy and I am ready to lighten my load and let it all go. Maybe even be willing to let someone help me carry for me.
I've recently had a breakthrough and I wanted to briefly share with all of you what is happening in my world.
This afternoon I started meeting with a life coach, who just so happens to be a fellow writer and friend, as a collaboration on dating after divorce.
One of the benefits of writing is opportunities to collaborate on projects. Over the years, I have been offered to have my works featured on major publications, personal coaching and I have even been contacted by a production company to star in a reality series.
I've turned down several projects as it didn't feel it was right for life, but I immediately I knew I wanted to take on this challenge.
At the end of the day, what do I really have to lose?
I get to be part of an exciting case study and have the great opportunity to share my experiences with readers around the world.
When she first proposed her idea to me, I was excited to be a part of such a empowering experience, but also hesitant because I understood I would be delving deep into parts of my past that were painful.
However, I do have the sincere desire to open my heart and life again to a good man, which means I needed to finally start dealing with all the messy emotional sh*t I have been avoiding for such a long time.
Although, I will be waiting to publish my experiences that are specific to this project a few months from now, I did want to share my excitement and enthusiasm to begin this journey into true healing.
Once it is ready to be published, I will share with all of you all the details of my personal experiences with life coaching to help me over come obstacles I have faced with healing after divorce and make positive changes in my dating life.
On the surface, I may appear completely healed, but deep down I know that there are parts of me that need work.
No matter how much I would love to be in a happy and healthy relationship, I have a major roadblock that I have been having difficultly overcoming.
For example, just this week two of my very close friends got engaged and both are getting remarried. While I am genuinely happy for both of them, I still cannot help to feel pain and resentment when I even hear the word "marriage".
We all have emotional triggers. Mine is marriage.
It's not that I enjoy hating marriage, but I cannot help but be honest with my feelings. I would be disingenuous if I told you that I cannot wait to get married again, because I want absolutely nothing to do with it.
Several years ago, I caught the bride's bouquet at a wedding. Literally I was hiding in the very back of the group of single women vying for the spot to be next in line to marry. Yet, it landed right in my hands.
I have never been the type of woman who had dreams of a big white wedding; going through a difficult divorce made me never want to go through it again.
I hate the feelings I have associated with marriage. I hate my negative experiences with marriage. I hate the fact that I hate it so much.
Maybe I am secretly jealous and confused why so many easily remarry quickly, yet it evades me. I gave up on marriage a long time ago.
I wonder if I am the only one? Everyone thinks that love has to always result in marriage. I am not sure if I even believe that now.
Although, I have a great capacity to love, I have avoided becoming vulnerable when it comes to my romantic relationships. A few men I have dated wondered why I wasn't always open with my heart.
Experiencing infidelity shattered every idea I held about commitment, loyalty and the sanctity of marriage. Not only have I witnessed betrayal first hand, but I constantly see it in the lives of so many of my loved ones.
No one talks about emotional or physical affairs their spouses have had. We only show the highlights of our lives on social media. Filtering out what we don't want the world to see, because then they might see the ugliness that sometimes lies beneath the surface.
Here's the thing about writing, when you share your vulnerabilities, people want to share theirs with you. Although, I am honored that someone would entrust me with their secrets, it has come at a costly price. I no longer look at the world through a filtered lens, I see what's right before my eyes and isn't always pretty.
I know about the affairs that are not shared with anyone else. I know about the texts sent to other women. I see "happily married" men I know with online dating profiles. I know about the Ashley Madison accounts. I know about the Craigslist hookers. I've seen women fall in love with their husband's best friend. I have seen what most people don't want to believe or even talk about.
So, yes, I am jaded. Who wouldn't be though? I try to be kind and patient with myself, as I am only human.
While I have protected my heart, I have never allowed anyone into my life.
With this being said, I don't want to be jaded, bitter, sad or build walls that keep lovely people out. I've pushed away good people, because I have been too scared to give anyone a real shot a loving me.
Over the weekend, one of my girlfriend's had said something really profound, as we were sharing a pint of ice cream on a late Saturday night. She had shared a story of a man telling her sister to just let him love her.
"Just let me love you."
I forgot how to do this. I want that feeling again. I am tired of building walls. I want to build a life with someone. I cannot do that if I am constantly pushing good people away who genuinely want to love me.
Truth be told, aside from a few sessions with my private marriage and family therapist, as insurance only covers so much, and a handful of counseling with my Army chaplain, I never really dealt with my divorce.
As soon as I filed for divorce, I dived right into dating, running from reality and numbing my pain. At the time, I felt the best way to move forward was to completely leave your past behind. Distracting myself with a full life to avoid having to deal with hurt that is very real in my heart.
I cried during my session because I allowed myself to feel and to admit many truths that I would have never dared to say out loud before.
As I was writing this post tonight, I had taken a break to talk to my little sister and also clear my head at CrossFit. I desperately needed both. I needed a good heart to heart and a grueling WOD to snap out of it.
Sometimes, I will admit that I get a little too much in my head and over-analyze my life. Maybe it is the Aquarius and writer in me, but I am trying not to be so hard on myself.
Before I left to workout, because I needed a break from writing, my little sister called me from the East Coast. As I have shared in previous posts, my sister has special needs and is a huge reason why I entered my profession.
We don't always talk, but today she decided to call me to let me know she just started reading my blog. Honestly, no one in my family ever mentions my blog to me, so I assume not one of them has ever read my writings.
Yet, Hallie was so excited to tell me she read my latest blog post and she was so proud that I had the courage to write what so many people are actually thinking.
She couldn't believe her big sister was a "celebrity", which I know I am totally not, but to my little sister I am a shining star.
It finally hit me that I need to look at my life from a different perspective.
Immediately, I felt guilty for feeling so f*cking sad for myself. Boo. Hoo. I got a divorce. I am not the only one.
I felt guilty about focusing on my hangups instead of being happy for my newly engaged friends. I felt so guilty wasting seven years. I have so much already in my life to be grateful for, but I focus on what is wrong with my life.
My sister was so excited to tell me she can't wait to learn how to ride a city bus on her own and here I was upset over being single for so long. What's wrong with being single? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with being single and through my singleness I have created a beautiful and full life. But we are never satisfied with what we have.
I realized in that moment, I needed to save myself from this funk I have allowed myself to reside in over the last few years.
I don't want to wake up one day regretting time I had wasted over people that don't even matter anymore.
I want to live and love with my full heart. I want to let someone love me because I am so worthy of love.
I am FINALLY ready to deal with all my sh*t and write a new chapter in my life.
I cannot wait to share this wonderful journey with all of you . . .
So, tonight was my first writing assignment and I hope that someone out gained from this insight and understand you are not the only one who feels this way.