Don't Date a Douche

It has been a few weeks since I have had a the chance to sit down and write an actual blog post. As always, life gets in the way and writing takes a back burner to my ever hectic life. 

But, I promise you that I have lots of fun stories to share with all about my adventures over the last month. 

Once in a blue moon, when my son is away at his dad's house, I reactivate my Tinder account. Either it's out of curiosity, boredom or a genuine  desire to meet someone new. 

I know. I know. I know. I have sworn off online dating like a thousand times over the last seven years. 

Didn't I learn my lesson? 

Mr. Right isn't on Tinder. Maybe a bunch of F*ck Boys, but I have yet to meet anyone with true relationship potential on this smart phone dating application. 

Despite trying every other way to meet men (i.e. mixers, church, speed dating, "serious" online dating websites, friends, Meet Ups, gym, etc.) I haven't found the one the is right for me. 

Everyone else is on Tinder, might as well take a peruse. Maybe someone new moved to the island and we haven't gone on a date yet. 

As all my girlfriends joke, "Military PCS season is fast approaching, which means a whole new dating pool of men."

Sometimes I wonder if HE is still out there and hasn't even made his way to Hawaii yet. Hell, maybe he is already here and already in my life, but the timing isn't right. Who knows?!

In the meantime, I will have fun dating my Mr. In The Mean Time Men, as my girlfriend wisely advised me. 

After my last Tinder experience with my cheating, lying, married sociopath date, I have been hesitant to dive into the dating pool again. 

I literally dated a crazy person that all the online dating naysayers warn you about. 

Sadly, there have been a few. Where are the normal men in Hawaii?

Anyways, I went on a date this weekend, after a Tinder match offered to take me to spend the day at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Keep in mind, it takes over an hour to drive to almost the North Shore of the island of Oahu. 

Why not? I've never actually explored this popular tourist spot, so here was a perfect opportunity to learn about Polynesian culture with a really cute, educated, successful and "nice guy" for a few hours. 

Before the date, he called me the night before to make plans. Already he was earning brownie points. I love it when a man picks up the phone and takes initiative to plan a date. 

This was going to be fun. 

Even if it was just to meet someone new...I was putting myself out there. 

When I arrived to the Polynesian Cultural Center, my date asked me which package we should get, which I opted for the least expensive, considering first dates should be shorter and I wouldn't expect my date to spend a fortune. 

As we were ordering our tickets, in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice, thiisssssss mother $#%&cker asked me if I had cash to pay for my own ticket. 

Come again? Que???

Didn't he, the night before, ask to take me out on a date? 

Like a gentleman, he took out his fancy credit card and proceeded to ask me if I had $20 in cash and he would charge it on the card. 

"You can be my ATM today!" He laughed. 

ATM. ATM. All I could think was. ATM. WTF. 

When the ticket counter lady asked if he wanted to add $15 for lunch and an extra hour, he was like, "No. I am not hungry."

Didn't even ask if I was hungry at NOON. So, I starved for two long hours, with just one piece of coconut bread the land of Tahiti people made during the various shows. 

Dammit. I did it again. I was out with a total cheapskate! 

Before anyone feels sorry for him, know that he is a high ranking officer in the military and runs his own non profit. 

Twenty dollars wasn't going to kill him, but that is a gas money for a week for me. Well, add more since I drove myself all the way to the damn North Shore to go out on a date with him. 

I ONLY do that for my friends who are visiting as tourists.  

This officer was not a gentleman. He was a douche. 

It gets even better. 

You know when you first enter a theme park and you are asked to take pictures with Mickey Mouse or whoever at the entrance, well we were directed to stand together to take pictures with a hulu girls. 

He actually refused to take a picture with me. Even all the staff members, hulu girls and photographer said, "Why don't you want to take a picture with her?!"

So I stood there BY MYSELF. 

My date didn't even want to stand next to me. I swore I wore deodorant ... unlike HIM... 

Again, this gets better. 

Basically, I think I was invited so he would have a personal photographer there for the day, because that is all he would ask me to do. 

Now it was his turn to be photographed with the hulu girl and hulu guy, but he shoved his iPhone in my hand and asked me to take pictures. 

"I don't want to pay for pictures," he exclaimed!

Well, at least it wasn't just me he was being cheap with, he was cheap with EVERYONE. He was also rude to EVERYONE else too. 

While presenters were chanting beautiful Hawaiian melodies and dancing ancient Hawaiian hulu, again, in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice, that mother $%&*er was texting on his damn iPhone in the damn front row. 

I was mortified!

Even the coconut bread guy was giving my date the side eye. 

Never in the history of my dating have I ever wanted to ditch someone so bad. In hindsight, I should have just dug out and drove further north to the Kahuku shrimp trucks. 

Ah. But, I am not an assh*le, so I sucked it up and made the choice to have my own fun. And, so I did. 

Not only did I get to check off a bucket list item, I learned a little Polynesian history, met some cool visiting tourists and even met a woman who worked there also named Cecily. 

He asked to go out again and I said, "No." 

This ATM is out of service. 

So, ladies and gentleman, don't date a douche. You deserve to go with someone who is generous, considerate, polite and treats you with respect. 

Keep calm and Tinder on....


Sweet Cicily

I Am Sure Coconut Bread Guy Would Be a Better Date

Look. It's Cecily. She was so much more f*cking cool than my date. 

I Am Infertile

 I am overjoyed to share with all my readers today a story written by a close personal friend and guest writer on the blog today. 

Michelle and I met at CrossFit in Kailua over a year ago. Over the course of 12 months, our friendship has grown strong, as we have had the chance to know each other better and share our lives together. 

When we first started talking, I will never forget a conversation we shared in a direct message over social media. Michelle had started following my blog, which compelled to share her own private challenges and pain in life. 

I love how sharing my journey has encouraged other's to share theirs with me. 

What she shared with me over a year ago, she is now sharing with all my wonderful readers today. 

I am so very grateful to have a woman like Michelle in my life. She is truly one of my best friends and I love her with all my heart. 

Know you are not alone and we are all here for each other during life's ups and downs. 

Meet my wonderful friend Michelle... 

Today is a day just like any in a parents life. My sweet little 20-month-old son has a cold and isn’t sleeping well. My husband had to go to work early, so my only chance at getting a workout in was getting up at 4:30 am to go to a 5 am CrossFit class. 

My son is at that funny age where he is learning soooo much so quickly. He knows that if he says, “Help” that I will come to him and wipe his nose when it is running or get that last piece of egg on his fork. Even when he is throwing a fit and crying because he can’t sleep, I try and remember I am lucky to live in a time where science has made it possible for us to have him. 

I am infertile. 

I don’t say this to get attention, or to make people feel awkward. I don’t have any ill will towards people who don’t have fertility issues, but I do want people to #StartAsking. One in eight people nationwide deal with some sort of infertility issue, making me far from unique. 

I read something today that really spoke to me: “being a mom now doesn’t change the fact that I still am, and forever will be infertile, and the pain of that truth will never go away.”  I have learned how to deal with the pain that comes from being infertile and for me the biggest help has been actually talking about it freely. 

So many people feel that it is such a taboo and personal subject that they keep everything bottled up inside, never realizing just how much they have in common with so many around them. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week ( and with that in mind I will tell you my infertility story.

My husband and I always knew we wanted to have children together. Once we started actively trying, the type A person in me was plotting basal body temperatures and making sure we had sex at all the right times. My actions quickly paid off and we got pregnant on our first real try!! 

I was over the moon but all of that changed at the 8-week appointment with my OB/GYN. The Physicians Assistant tried to hear the baby’s heartbeat and could not. She told me not to worry, because that early on it was not uncommon. Just to be sure, my sweet husband jumped through hoops to get us in for an ultrasound that day. I think he was just as excited and nervous as I was, so we went straight from the OB/GYNs office to the imaging clinic to get the ultrasound. 

After lying there with that cold gel on my tummy and not being shown anything for about 10 minutes I was starting to get a little more concerned. Then the ultrasound tech said she needed to talk with the doctor, which made me even more worried. 

After a few minutes the doctor came in and told me I had an ectopic pregnancy and needed to go directly to the emergency room to get it taken care of. Ouch! That was a sucker punch, happily pregnant to unhappily not pregnant in a few hours. Shortly after that I was given the two shots of lovely neon green medication meant to stop the growth of the embryo and keep my fallopian tubes intact. 

I went home with some Vicodin for the pain and a sad heart. 

In my typical fashion I looked for as many positive things as possible. If the treatment worked the way it normally did there would be no issues conceiving in the future, though I would have a higher likelihood of another ectopic pregnancy on that particular side. Bottom line, I could still have children, and this was just a natural issue with that little embryo deciding to make a pit stop in my tubes instead of my uterus. 

I only took the Vicodin during the first 24 hours and even then it was only half a dose. I wasn’t physically hurting any more so I thought I was healing inside, which was good. Ten days later I was going to the farmers market with my husband and it hit me. All of the sudden I had some mild pain in my abdomen and over the course of the 30 minutes it took us to get home I was in excruciating pain. I took a Vicodin as soon as I got into the house…. nothing. I took a second (the maximum allowed dosage)….  still nothing. I couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, I had pain radiating into my shoulders. Tom finally looked at me and said we needed to go to the hospital, I knew my fallopian tube had ruptured.  

As soon as we got there and told them what was going on they gave me some real pain meds that helped immensely. After hours of getting bumped for more emergent cases I was wheeled into the operating room for what was supposed to be a 20-30 minute procedure. After an hour the doctor came out and asked my husband to make a very hard decision. After removing the fallopian tube that had in fact ruptured she examined the other tube and found it to be deformed. 

The doctor speculated about a number of possible reasons, from potentially an earlier unnoticed ectopic pregnancy to just a simple birth defect, but none of that changed the fact that I was virtually guaranteed to have another ectopic pregnancy if left alone. She commented that my ovaries and uterus looked extremely healthy and recommended a preemptive removal of the second tube, noting that I would be an outstanding candidate for eventual In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Tom agreed and made the decision to remove the second tube as well. 

In a two-week period I went from being happily pregnant, to not being able to ever naturally conceive children. 

I was heartbroken. 

It took me months to not cry every time I found out someone was pregnant, let alone any time I had one too many drinks. I was devastated when a family member said, “You know you should start trying to have children, you aren’t getting any younger.” I just wanted to shout at them, “I wish it was that F-ing easy!!!”

When we finally began all the testing necessary to start IVF, we found out that even little things can make an IVF cycle harder. My thyroid was apparently now not functioning properly, meaning we had to wait months to find the proper dosage to bring my thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH) into the proper range. Ultimately, it was an entire year after my surgery before we started our first cycle. Every single day was hard, mentally and physically. Multiple shots administered every day, which my husband dutifully gave to me, even when I would break down in tears petrified of the needles. He reminded me over and over again what we both wanted out of this and helped me see past my fears. He was my rock through all of this and as a result we had an amazing 18 eggs extracted from my ovaries, 16 of those fertilized and six embryos made it to day five.  Finally, on Thanksgiving morning, I had one of those embryos placed in my uterus. Injections continued nightly for three months but after that I had a completely normal pregnancy that resulted in my son Paul, who is now an adorable, sweet natured, happy little toddler.

The biggest thing I have learned through this whole process was how common infertility and ectopic pregnancies actually are. 

I now know many people who have gone through experiences similar to my own but I had no idea until I had to deal with infertility myself. I was very lucky that I got pregnant on my first round of IVF, and there are many who are not so lucky. They try round after round of intra-uterine insemination (IUI), IVF, Frozen embryo transfer (FET), some even use donor eggs or sperm, all in the hopes of having a family.  

If all of this sounds complicated then know that is one of the many reasons I talk so freely about my own journey.  

Lately I have been wondering if I want to have another child. Weighing all the pros and cons of Paul having a sibling. A lot of the negatives come from knowing I will again need at least 3 months worth of daily injections, knowing I will need another cesarean section, and frankly the amount of money it will cost again. The military doesn’t cover treatments unless the infertility is a result of a military related injury. 

Who knows what the future may bring but right now I am very happy with my little family…

If you want to know about infertility and what you can do please visit, they have a lot of great information and resources that will allow you to #StartAsking.

Whatever Happened To Your First Love?

Do you ever wonder what ever happened to your first love?

Where did life take them? What are doing now? Are you still friends or just strangers who shared a past? 

You see there has always been a man who has always held a special place in my heart since I was fifteen years old and we still talk to each other to this very day. 

He was the cute cowboy in my junior high school history class that I had a huge crush on for years, but I never mustered the courage to tell him.

I was his secret admirer, but little did I know he felt the same way too all these years...until he confessed this to me over five years ago in a text message.  

"I've always been in love with you..." 

Despite these feelings, we lived worlds apart and lived different lives, that took us into different directions.

Plus, I kinda blew it off as nostalgia and realized he was in love with the idea of me. 

We hadn't seen in each other in over twenty years and he really doesn't know the real me.

No matter where life has taken me over the last two decades, from college in Boston to thousands of miles away in Hawaii, he finds his way back into my life.

Whether through a handwritten letter in my college mailbox or an unexpected phone call... he enters back into my life.

Just a few months ago, it occurred to me that I heard from my first love in almost two years, which wasn't like him to not reach out to me. 

I knew his military life would take him to foreign lands and his private nature avoided social media. 

He's a very hard person to track down...his digital footprint is almost impossible to find. It's a given when being in special forces.

He is a man that thrives on living off the grid. 

Last time I saw him was before college when he ran off to Arizona on a Harley... 

We only had held hands... but he was the one I never forgot.

Maybe he was the one who got away. 

But, he'd write me in college... but soon disappear for a few more years.

Then from sailing on a boat in the Florida Keys he confessed his feelings for me. Wishing I hadn't had a boyfriend at the time so he could sail to Hawaii.

He'd disappear again when sent on another military mission somewhere top secret.

He fluttered in out of my life like a beautiful butterfly; never to be captured and only to be admired. 

Eventually, I was certain I would hear from him again, but it never happened.

I actually began to worry. 

I knew he deployed a lot as special forces. I remember a conversation we shared about him headed to Africa. Did something happen to him?

A few months ago, I searched the entire internet, I searched for him again, but didn't find his whereabouts.

I worried he may have died... because sometimes that happens in his line of work.

A part of me was sad and wished I told him how I felt. 

Anyways, time passed and I just happened to switch over to a new iPhone, which his contact was listed in my phone.

Two initials. Omg! It's him!

I debated to send a text, but I sent a simple message sending aloha from Hawaii.

I didn't hear back from months. Maybe I was right? Maybe my first love was gone forever?

Ahhh... But late one night last month, I text popped up on my screen.

His initials popped up. He was alive and he was reaching out to me.

After we spent the next hour talking, I had learned that he had spent the last year deployed in Africa. 

When he returned to US soil, he saw my text message and responded back to me immediately. 

We talk on the phone and it's always wonderful to hear his voice... but I know that's all that it will ever be with my first love.

I live in reality, not fantasy.

He's the type to run off to Belize as an ex patriot... not the type to settle down. 

Sharing occasional walks down memory lane of two country kids with secret crushes and our day to day lives now. 

We are so very different, but I'm glad I'm lucky to still be able to share a friendship with my first love. 

I'll never forget the boy with the bluest eyes, sweetest smile and gyspy spirit that stole my young heart...

What ever happened to your first love?

Surround Yourself With Positive People

The key to happiness is surrounding yourself with positive people.

It's as simple as that.

No amount of money or success will ever compare to the profound effect of surrounding yourself with positive people in your life.

Just look at all these Real Housewives reality shows. Everyone them is filthy rich, but most of them are bitchy and miserable.

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

Maybe it's time to start reevaluating who you associate with at home, work, etc. 

Again, money doesn't buy you happiness; I've had money before and was deeply unhappy for many years.

It took me losing everything to gain the most important lesson of all...

My bank account reflects me just making it by every month in expensive paradise, but I've never been this happy in all my life.

Over the last seven years, I've reached the realization that I had much rather fill my life with wonderful people than placing value on material things.

Once I adopted this mindset, I began to truly appreciate all the amazing relationships I was focusing my energy and time on.

Life isn't just about working and paying bills.

My God.. how depressing would that be if that was our sole purpose on this Earth?

We are here to connect with one another; in turn we have multiple opportunity to grow and learn from our relationships.

Because life is so busy and so very short, it's critical you choose who you surround yourself with very wisely.

Be picky!

You're picky with your food or your clothes... why not with the people you surround yourself with.

That has a more powerful impact, so choose wisely.

Stop wasting time on continuously negative people. 

Being selective with your circle will dramatically change your life for the better.

Sadly, they are emotional vampires and you need to guard your heart and mind, otherwise they'll suck the joy right out of your life. 

As I'm getting older and hopefully wiser, I've been 86ing (restaurant speak) anything and anyone who does not serve my soul.

A guy doesn't call back or even make an effort texting... adios amigo... 

I hate doing something... I stop feeling guilty about people pleasing ... sayonara whatever is that's not bringing me joy anymore.

Negative gossipers who have nothing positive to say... have a nice life.

Fake friends... Ain't got time for that.

It's so liberating to free yourself from negative energy and embrace others who are like minded.

Just this past weekend, I surrounded myself with so many incredibly positive people in my life and most so happen to be all from my CrossFit box in Kailua.

It's one of the few places in my life where it is solely positive; from experiences to people.

I love my career, but it isn't free of negativity and I've been distancing myself from any negativity. 

No wonder why I am already ready to run out the door to CrossFit; it's my refuge of support and unconditional positivity.

Whether we are working out or just hanging out, I fucking love those people because I feel uplifted when I'm in their presence.

There's no cattiness or negative nonsense; it's just pure happiness and love for me.

I'm happy because I surround myself with happy people.

It's your turn now...

Life Is Too Short To Feel Like Crap

I'm pretty sure I was born anxious; it's plagued me my entire life. 

Even as a young girl, I remember worrying about everything. 

Omg. I hope I don't get called for line leader to the library?! I don't want to mess up. 

Worry wart. 

But, who doesn't worry, get depressed, fear failing or feel nervous?

Unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and live a carefree zero responsibilities life, I'm sure YOU have your own share of anxieties. 

We all have problems. 

We all have fears.

We all are human beings.

We feel a multitude of emotions and there is NOTHING wrong with it.

What is worrisome is a person who doesn't feel anything...

Anyhow, I like to keep it real with my loved ones and readers, by being completely transparent with my feelings.

Some might say I lack mystery, but I prefer to see it as being very honest about my life and hopefully makes me more relateable.

It ain't perfect y'all.

Life makes me very anxious sometimes and I'm not embarrassed to admit that this is a challenge for me.

As I started off a new quarter with my high school special needs students, upon returning from Spring Break, I surveyed the class who didn't want to come back to school. 

Soon this discussion led to the topic of Dealing With Anxiety as a human being.

I'm a feelings person and I think this is very important to share with young people. 

I could care less about Algebra or standardized testing, but I do want to provide the tools for my students to navigate life as independent and successful human beings. 

We all shared as a group and even privately on post its our own experiences with anxiety.

The good, the bad and the ugly of this "alarm" in our bodies. 

Having taught almost 13 years, I would have to say this was one of my favorite discussions.

Not only did we discuss positive ways to combat our own anxieties, but it reframed my own feelings I'm expericining in my own personal life.

Last week sucked. Like really sucked... for a two days...

Y'all know what I am talking about... just scroll down the blog.

It left me angry, anxious, depressed, worried and wanting to just give up.

I even found myself wanting to shut down, but I didn't allow myself to stay in that space. 

Life is too short to feel like crap!

I gave myself two days to slowly work out of my funk, as I was processing my feelings.

Make sure you allow yourself to feel everything. 

Recognize it, honor it, be patient with yourself and treat yourself with love by letting it go.

Honestly, I feel soooooo much better because I made really positive choices on how to deal with my anxieties.

Like a cancerous tumor, I cut the negativity out and made a choice to move forward.

Block. Block. Block.

No asshole was going to have that much control over my life.

Next, I surrounded myself with loving people who radiate positivity and support. 

Fortunately, I have so many amazing loved ones in my life, who are literally there to lift me up when life sometimes drags me down.

Like Amber from CrossFit, who eased my fears of going to the dentist, by literally held my hand and said we will take it slow.

Love her! She understands me. 

Like my girlfriend Eva of 13 years, who was visiting me from Texas for her second trip to Hawaii.

We shared our feelings like close girlfriends do and know how to make the other person feel better. 

I'm so grateful God timed her vacation the same week all that crap went down with Mr. Too Good To Be True turned Mr. Sociopath.

One thing she said to me that stood out really resonated with me, "Sometimes God speaks to you through other people."

She reminded me that I am ready to love again and God has plans for something great around the corner.

I have a lot of f*cking stress... money, car repairs, bills, work and the list goes on.

Eva wisely told me that God wasn't going to put you through all that bad for absolutely nothing. 

So, now when life stresses me, I'll stomp on the ground and tell the Devil, "Don't even try to shake my faith."

She wasn't the only one who shared this advice.

The next day, a former skills trainer of mine, wrote me a beautiful word expressing this same sentiment.

Everything will work out as it should. 

The fact that God removed HIM from my life was a wonderful blessing, because his not worthy of my love and I don't deserve his level of dysfunction.

Anyways, I filled my last week with not only supportive people, but went on adventures.

I spent the last few days exploring/hiking beatiful Hawaii, laughed hard, kicked ass at my CrossFit competition, went to church, was pampered and showered with love by Eva, drank pineapple mimosas, did a impromptu Photoshoot and just had a great time. 

I don't want to waste my life always worrying.

Granted, my anxieties will never fully go away, because as long as I live life, I will face challenges. However, I can keep a level head and not let life overwhelm me.

Just this morning my car decided to shake and the check engine light went off. 

F*ck. Not this. I can't afford to fix this car. 

I wanted to cry, but I took a deep breathe and prayed for peace and to help me turn this obstacle into an opportunity.

Stressing fixes nothing, but a good attitude can change everything.

I am going to be ok and so are you ...

I Cried So Hard

When was the last time you had a really good cry?

Not a single tear running down your cheek or quiet weeping kind of crying, but gut wrenching, uncontrollable sobbing. 

It happened to me on Friday night in a crowded room filled with with many familiar faces. 

I was the last person left on the floor. All eyes were on me. 

While most probably assumed I was frustrated with the workout, several of my loved ones knew there was so much more than meets the eye. 

As the clock was ticking away, I was growing more emotional and frustrated with having to carry the burden of the bar and my feelings. 

Silently, I have been holding back my tears of anger, confusion and frustration. Now it was time to let it all go. 

Granted, it didn't help that I was facing my most challenging CrossFit Open workout challenge in three years, but something else was weighing heavily on my heart and my mind. 

Over the past week, I had been having a really challenging time in my personal life, which was a factor in my unexpected emotional breakdown. 

Challenging might be an understatement... last week  was a f*cking nightmare. 

If you have been following the blog, you will know about my roller coaster experience over the last few weeks with someone who had recently entered my life in the past month. 

Finally, I thought I met a really decent man, who was crazy about me. Sadly, he was just plain crazy. 

We were all fooled. Every word was a lie. 

Basically, I had unknowingly began dating an absolute cheating, lying, married asshole who turned into a 100 % sociopath.

He was a wolf in sheep's clothing and I had fallen prey to his hidden wickedness. 

How did I not see this coming?

Didn't I have a good judge of character?

What had just happened to me?

What did I do to deserve to be deceived, lied to and have my emotions manipulated by a man who lacked empathy, remorse and a conscience?

Ever since he walked into my life, it has been a whirlwind of feelings, from euphoria to betrayal. Stealing happiness, faith and trust out of my heart; leaving me emotionally bankrupt and never wanting to open myself up again. 

It took me seven years to pick up the pieces and I am angry with myself that I allowed another person to destroy my trust in men. 

Never again will this happen. 

After my experience, I have been reading a lot on victims of narcissists and sociopaths and it frightened me to know that so many others have experienced similar stories. 

No one wants to feel used. No one wants to be lied to. No one wants to be a pawn in someone else's mind game. 

I have a huge heart, but I am tired of it being stomped on by unworthy assholes. 

He took my sweetness as a sign of weakness, preying on my vulnerabilities and creating a fantasy world for his own selfish entertainment. 

Think Amy Eliot from Gone Girl. I couldn't make this up. 

He underestimated that you don't f*ck around with me and anyone's feelings for that matter. He messed with the wrong girl and if he is smart he won't do it again. 

I've been struggling to remain strong, never letting him win by getting to me, but I am only human after all. 

So, I cried so hard ...

... in front of all my loved ones at CrossFit as I was thrusting forty-five pounds of weight over my head 21-18-15-12-9-6-3 times. 

.... when the people who REALLY love me formed a circle for a group hug around me when I finished. Michelle, Tom, Pa'ana, Amber, Zana, Gil and everyone else at CrossFit Kailua whom I love so very much... thank you for squeezing me so tight and reminding me that I am loved. 

... when I realized just how much I am loved by all the right people and it didn't matter what this one asshole did. 

... when I looked into the crowd and saw my girlfriend Eva of 13 years cheering me on in my competition. 

... when my little boy saw his mommy fight through a difficult WOD through sweat and as he said, "tears and tears."

... later that night in the shower ... where no one could hear me crying, finally relieving myself of all the pain I had been feeling over the past few days. 

... the next day when my girlfriend Michelle did the WOD with me so I could complete 16.5 and finish what I started. 

It has been years since I have cried this hard; probably not since my divorce over seven years ago. 

I'm not afraid to admit I was heartbroken, because that is how I truly feel. That insensitive sociopath asshole may not have feelings, but it doesn't mean I don't still feel. 

I gave myself permission to be angry, confused, depressed and lost; because who wouldn't feel that way. 

Know that it is perfectly normal to be f*cking sad when people do f*cked up things to you. 

Crying is cathartic. Crying releases toxins. Crying is the path to healing. 

Although, I am scared to even remotely trust another man again, I still don't want to give up on the belief there is still more good in the world than bad. 

His bitterness will never steal my sweetness... never let anyone have that much control over you.